Recently, my incredibly loving, amazingly faithful, brutally honest husband looked at me with genuine curiosity and asked, in so many words, where my personality had gone. While that almost sounds like it would be offensive at first, I knew what he was saying and knew he was right. Since the day we first met, I had been growing steadily duller by the minute. Yet I had no answer to his question.
Laying up, gazing a midnight ceiling, the answer came to me like the hush of rest. I was happy. For years, anger and discontentment had fueled my passion, but suddenly joy had taken their place. However, while in the frustration I’d learned to scream, in comfort I hadn’t learn to sing. When fury was fueling every ounce of my emotion, at everything and nothing in the most Salinger of ways, I failed to submit it to the Lord. Thus, when mirth took over I didn’t know what to do with it. So I slipped into what I presumed to be peace, when in reality it was a spiritual slumber of sorts. I was worn out from all that screaming.
We have to claim the fullness of our relationship with Christ. My husband can tell me as many times as he wants that he loves me, but I have to accept these words as truth for them to affect the way I live. I knew intellectually that the joy of the Lord invigorates, refreshes, and restores us. Yet when it came to living it out, I walked tiredly, just getting through the day as opposed to laying hold of the spontaneity and moxie evidenced by the disciples. I allowed my struggles and surmountings to define me instead of the verity overflowing from His eyes.
If our walk with the Lord is truly a relationship, at some point we have to take ownership of our side. He isn’t a genie or even an old lackluster boyfriend, satisfying ardor’s itch for a moment, but never wrapping us in agape. Because He is the only One who can satisfy our deepest longings and passions, searching for other modes of appeasement will always leave us dull and colorless. On the same note, thinking we are okay to live with Him as “just friends” when He’s asked to be our Groom will result in drab days of subdued existence, instead of the beautiful, intense romance He longs to draw us into. But first we have to accept His invitation. It’s only there that we will find the vivacity of life we’re made for, as it only ever comes from life with the One who created our hearts’ desires and begs to be allowed to fulfill them.