Seasick.

More times than I can recall in this past week I have abruptly changed subjects from depth to superficialities, and I’m ashamed to admit it. With oceans raging inside my own brain, any drop of water outside felt forceful enough to drown me. This morning the Lord confronted me with the simple truth that until I unloaded on Him, it would always feel that way. Salt was drying out my skin and coating my tongue till it was all I could taste. Thinking it was a way of moving on, that it would help me forgive because I wouldn’t be as focused on it, I had stopped bringing it to Him. Instead, it remained in the forefront, growing ever larger and darker outside the light of His power.

“Search for the Lord and for His strength; seek His face always.” – 1 Chronicles 16:11 


How often do we do this? We fill our minds and conversations with fluff to cover the jagged rocks our waves of consciousness don’t dare confront. Meanwhile He’s standing in the depths, longing to teach us to walk on water. It started out as a joke between friends, but the continual punch line of “Our God is an awesome God” inserted after any frustrating event or act of clumsiness has become a sweet reminder that Yaweh remains stalwart in the midst of what we’re facing; He is good in the midst of the storm.

“Though a thousand fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, the pestilence will not reach you.” – Psalm 91:7 

This storm is wilder than any I’ve yet sailed. Looking out my window all I see is surging black tides threatening to wreck this young ship. The scent of fish ravaged by the tempest assault my senses, auguring their fate upon me. I am not much stronger than they. Seasick, I return to my bunk. Maybe I can sleep, and when I come around it will all be over. The clap of thunder wakes me from this dream. He’s teaching me to handle things I never thought I would face.

“Now to Him who is able to protect you from stumbling and to make you stand in the presence of His glory, blameless and with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority before all time, now and forever.” – Jude 24-25 

The irony of it all is that, for both my husband and myself, this is the most amazing season either of us can remember. For the majority of the day we dance to the ebb and flow of the flood. When the water rises, knocking us to our knees, it is sent to strengthen these tired muscles, to train these bones from the art of running away. This is the life we were called to, and in the midst of these gales it has proven to be more fulfilling than either of us could have imagined. 

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act, making your righteousness shine like the dawn, your justice like the noonday.” – Psalm 37:5-6 

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Our God is an awesome God.

 

 

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Ataxic Kiss.

As the music plays, I let the words wash over me like wet concrete strengthening these broken bones. I keep the playlist on because after replaying it somewhere near a hundred times (if not more) over the past four years, it’s become mindless, yet continues to say everything I can’t right now. Sometimes emotions and thoughts run so deep inside your bloodstream that vocalizing it is an impossibility, and yet their lyrics belt it out with such eloquence that I can through them gain the necessary relief. The sound of the synth helps me order my thoughts just enough to gather the week’s notes and write this post.

The mess means He’s rebuilding. In the midst of this war zone coated in blood and dust don’t let yourself become a shadow. The enemy seeks to break you through whichever method he can find. Yahweh has me in a place right now of simply watching Him fight for me from inside the hospital tent. Because of this pain of healing there are pieces of me considering the old apathy. Then, I could turn on emotion like a switch. All it took was a few drinks. They tasted like the poison they were, but they made me feel everything that was bottled up tight. But I was a shadow of a person then. After a while I began to feel the emptiness. And when He knew it was time, He restored me. Now I sit in the midst of a beauty so vibrant it’s overwhelming. This time I’m not giving up. If it takes forever, I’ll be screaming “hallelujah.”


But where will I be standing when He returns from fighting for me? Choosing apathy would be to kiss the enemy. Some things I’ll never know, and I had to let them go. But I know He’s working, and is at the door even now. Will He find me screaming “hallelujah” or with my tongue in the enemy’s mouth? His tent seems so clean, but the chaos is only hiding down below. I’d rather face the wreckage with the King holding on to me than be swallowed by it, and thus turn rancid myself. For such is the end result of all those little sins we acquiesce. I’d rather face the mess than become ataxic.


Do you hear the footsteps? The King is waiting outside the tent.

 

When I Sat down to Write, This is All That Came.

I have nothing to write today. The only note written throughout the past two weeks is the concrete reminder that without Him, I am nothing but a broken well of bitter gall. This post is a testament to that.

“He who calls you is faithful, who will also do it.”
– 1 Thessalonians 5:24 –

“This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
– Romans 5:5 –

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I was challenged by my devotional this morning to truly ponder why I have hope during different times of my life. At the moment, I am in a place where unanswered questions serve as a brutal alarm clock ringing like cymbals in my ears each morning. Daily the same queries are brought before the Lord, ones of “why,” and “when,” and “for how long, oh God?” I am so grateful He is a Father who doesn’t get frustrated with my unending need to be reminded! Today the answer was the verses above. He will take care of it. He is working on it. He will solve that which is beyond my human scope of ability.

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“The Lord guards the inexperienced; I was helpless, and He saved me.”
– Psalm 116:6 –

So I swallow my pride and I wait. With each breath I force these electric bones to be still. At twenty years old, I am growing increasingly cognoscente of my own inexperience. Things like overcooked pasta-mush for dinner faithfully remind me of this. But He promises to guard me, so I lean on that. That is the reason for the hope I have: I am capable of nothing, and so He carries me.

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I am nothing but a contentious woman seeking fame without Him. When laid at His feet, though, He takes this bumbling mess of a ragamuffin into His arms and continues on with His purpose. My questions don’t weary Him, however repetitive. My bare feet blackened from walking in the dirt and even my constant coffee breath are nothing to Him. All He sees is the creature He fashioned for His Kingdom’s glory. There is nothing left to prove.

“Arise, my darling. Come away, my beautiful one. For now the winter is past; the rain has ended and gone away. The blossoms appear in the countryside. The time of singing has come, and the turtledove’s cooing is heard in our land.”
 Song of Solomon 2:11 -12 –

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Until next time,

XOXO