I’ve begun to realize I have been so focused on running the race that I have lost sight of the destination. Now He has me in a season of simply being; no more running, no more time-crunching, simply being. Days spent altering clothes, doing dishes, running simple errands. In this I’m sort of rediscovering Serenity, this time as a wife.
“He brought me out to a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.” – Psalm 18:19 –
For years I have subconsciously believed that if I wasn’t so busy it was almost overwhelming (or completely overwhelming), I was unproductive. I had to be performing as a good Christian- namely, a good pastor’s daughter- 24/7 or I felt I was becoming a sluggard. While asserting that it’s not about how much we serve, but rather our hearts, I lived as though that wasn’t the case.
Either way, lately in my life He has been slowly drawing me back to the beginning. Verses about “forgetting your first love” showing up repeatedly in my quiet time had me praying “Thank You so much, Jesus, that that isn’t me.” After the seventh time it showed up in two months, He hit me over the head with it, and it smelled like the crushed roses it was. “Stop. This is you. You watch the women down in Oasis from your sound booth thinking of who you’re going to pray with, who you’re going to talk to, how to better be that good little Christian girl; you sign up for altar team because you’re so loving and sweet and evangelistic, but you’ve lost sight on the Garden because you’re too busy working to get back there.”
I resigned from the altar team.
It’s not that these pursuits aren’t worthwhile. It’s that the motives weren’t always in check. Altar team was to fill my time, get back to this place of running I’m so comfortable in so I can be just frazzled enough to feel like Wonder Woman in a winning battle.
But that’s not where He wants me right now. He wants me focusing on school, even when it’s easy. He wants me taking care of the house, even when it leaves me with more extra time on my hands than I’m used to. The habits I set now, when it’s easy, are what will carry me through when busyness returns.
Even as I write this I’m aware of how often I’ve mentioned this before, that of “returning to the Garden.” It’s a perpetual lesson for me. But I’m so grateful He’s a patient teacher, who will bring me back to the place of crystal rivers and dancing trees where I first met Him.