I Can Be Soft Now.

On Sunday, during the most lovely Indian blessing from my sweet, sweet friends, my engagement ring went missing. Understand, I loved that ring. I am that girl who spent her childhood dreaming of her ring, her groom, and her day. This ring was perfect. When I gazed at that stone, I saw Jonny’s love, Christ’s devotion, and my younger self’s hope gazing back. I saw the hardness I thought I needed for survival. After scouring the apartment- trashes, drains, everything- over and over again with countless sets of eyes, we determined it was lost. In my head, I thought I’d handle such a situation with my mother and fiancĂ©’s ethereal outlook- remembering the whole earth is dying anyways and the ring is just a symbol. 

No. Yesterday, I broke. Meltdown in Macy’s, type breaking. While those same friends were being so gentle and caring (and distracting), David and Jonny devised a plan, bought a ring I had been eyeing, and surprise-proposed to me again, now with a new ring, in a new moment. The first time around, I wasn’t present fully. Sickness, in so many forms, was still lingering. I wasn’t surprised and was unable to fully treasure the moment. This time, with this ring, with the select few who were there, it was more than I had ever imagined. In this ring, I see fresh life. I see the commitment of my groom, the redemption of the Holy Spirit, and the hope and joy of pressing forward into both eternity, and maturity. I can be soft now.

Losing my ring, I realized, was one of my deepest wedding fears. Having a day-stopping meltdown affecting more than myself was another. In the moment, it felt like the world was crashing in. I didn’t know how we would afford another engagement ring. I couldn’t imagine getting married without such an important piece, knowing I had once had one. But the Lord has a way of stripping everything down to then rebuild things you didn’t know were broken. 

I will repay you for the years that the swarming locust ate, the young locust, the destroying locust, and the devouring locust—My great army that I sent against you.

Joel 2:25